1. To fix your relationship start with yourself

You can be great in your relationships and make them work by starting with yourself, because changing the other person is difficult, if not impossible, since you have no control over them. You do have control over your own actions and thoughts, though, so why not start there. By changing yourself within each of your most important relationships, you can attract the people you want in the future, and the response that you need from your current relationships.

Do this by owning your mistakes, acknowledging your strengths, taking full responsibility for your failings and for your endeavor to grow. However, to make the relationship stronger, both of you will have to alter yourselves in this way. When both of you take equal responsibility, you assume equal roles in your relationship, which will bring you closer together and build a solid foundation for a long lasting relationship. If you keep playing the dominance game, where one is the good guy, the other the bad guy, your relationship will suffer, so step up and acknowledge your own part to what has gone wrong. Put yourself aside for a moment and let your relationship be more important than anything else.

2. Figure out what doesn’t work in your relationship

In a romantic relationship in particular, when things get rough, your first impulse is to do whatever it takes to make your partner stay. While this is only natural, it will not fix your problems, especially when they are serious. If both of you wish to stay together, know that you will have to work on the problems that got you on the verge of breaking up.

The aim is to move forward together, but in a new way, since the old has already showed its shortcomings. Work together to heal your relationship foundations if possible; otherwise, you will have to break your relationship down and re-build it to make it stronger this time around. There are many ways to do this, each equally important; these are: commitment, trust, communication, compassion, and a lot of hard work.

3. Start talking

Communication is at the heart of any healthy relationship. Nonetheless, communicating efficiently is easier said than done because hurt feelings often get in the way of expressing your thoughts in a rational way, and lead to arguments.

You must learn together how to stop fighting and start talking; do this openly and as soon as possible, before you let sorrows and concerns accumulate. First, agree together on a time and place with no distractions where you can discuss your problems thoroughly.

Set time aside for each of you to speak. Look at your partner and listen to what he or she has to say, without interrupting, over-talking, minimizing, getting angry, or jumping to conclusions. This shows that what the other has to say still matters to you, even if you disagree with the point of view they are expressing at the moment.

When your turn comes, be frank and calm, and remember you care about the person standing before you. Don’t make a point of winning each and every argument – this only shows you try to dominate the other, and not be equal partners. Being in charge at all costs can be destructive to a relationship.

The pair of you should try to argue and criticize the other constructively at all times, and make an effort to genuinely understand what the other is feeling. As hard as it may be, both when you are listening and when you are talking, try not to get too emotional; keeping your cool and not yelling will prevent you from taking things too far – saying or doing something that is too hurtful for your partner to get past.

Finally, discuss the issues both of you have expressed and try to overcome them together. Address the weak points in your behavior that your partner has complained about, and see how you can improve yourself. Moreover, stay focused in the present and on what you as a couple need now; don’t delve in the past. So, should you notice your partner straying from the problem you are currently discussing, bring them back to the issue at hand.

4. Commit

One of the most important aspects is whether both partners want the same thing, and whether they still want to try to mend their broken relationship. If only one of you truly wishes to stay together long-term, then your chances of reconnecting will be greatly affected. Repairing a relationship takes time and energy, so it is essential that you both are ready to recommit.

Talk to each other to see if there is still hope for regeneration and growing together; if both of you decide to move on as a couple, in other words, to commit to your relationship, then make a plan about how you will work together every day, and don’t be afraid to change it in case it doesn’t work as intended. For example, if you get stuck on your own, a couple therapist can help you identify any underlying issues, as well as spot and challenge any repetitive, unsuccessful patterns in your trauma-solving behavior, and show you how to break free from them.

5. Time

You should know that time can be on your side, or can work against you, even if you and your partner are committed to making things work. That happens because it is not always easy to forget the problem, even if you are willing to and manage to forgive your partner. The only solution is that the both of you are patient and wait for the other one to finish healing.

Agree to stick together even on bad days, so that you get to see brighter days ahead and enjoy them to the fullest together. Seek help before your relationship becomes lifeless, and you drenched of all energy and will to fight.




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